On Self Confidence and Personal Relationships

On Self Confidence
and
Personal Relationships

Self-confidence is arguably one of the most important qualities a person can have. A fine-tuned (hopefully, loving) relationship can be enormously effective in sustaining or improving self-worth (and highly destructive and damaging, when de-tuned). When self-confident caring is used creatively (with an emphasis on: tenderness, attention, pleasure, and mutual enjoyment) there will be effective goal setting and the natural monitoring of the achievement of personal goals. Such creativeness can build self-confidence reciprocally and have an enormous impact on the enduring "bonding" of both partners. As personal objectives are reached, and problems are worked out -- an improvement in relationship performance is generally noted. That is very desirable.

Self-confidence allows a person to take risks (within growing trust). We need to have enough confidence in our own abilities to be sure that if things do go wrong, we can put things right. We should target such successes, but always focus on the other's feelings first. The way in which an individual demonstrates self-confidence is important: if one is under confident, then he/ she will not take the risks that need to be taken. If one is over-confident, then either can end up not trying hard enough and losing sight of a goal. In-touch, real-World confidence should be based on observed reality. It should be based on the achievement of relationship and performance goals: one should be confident of success -- that one will come up to a person's current expectations of: abilities, aptitudes, life experience, and their ability to personify and project themselves in desirable ways.

Healthy self-confidence comes from a realistic expectation of success, based on well-practiced skills (whatever form they may take), a good knowledge of the goals, respect for one's own competence, adequate preparation, and good mental and physical conditioning. The success attained should be measured in terms of achievement of personal performance goals, not achievement goals defined by "winning". Winning is merely a scorecard, and keeping score doesn't attain goals. Winning, conceptually speaking, should play no role in a personal relationship.

When a person is under confident, people will commonly suffer from a fear of failure (which will prevent that person from taking risks effectively), self-doubt, lack of concentration and negative thinking. Often, one may find him or her self -- placing blame back onto oneself -- for faults that actually lie elsewhere. These will damage the flow and disrupt the enjoyment of accomplishment. Here one could use suggestion, visualization, and effective goal-setting to improve self-confidence and self-image.

Overconfidence is dangerous.

It can lead almost anyone into situations where they do not have the ability to remove themselves. It can set someone up for serious failure that can devastate self-confidence and engender a fall from on high. Overconfidence is confidence that is not based on ability or sensitivity. Overconfidence builds up only liars and their lies.

Goal setting is probably the most effective way of building self-confidence. And when applied to relationships -- that has a lot to do with communication. By setting measurable goals, and by communicating them to achieve them -- setting new goals, to achieve them too (and so on), we prove our abilities (first) to ourselves.

A confident person is able to show (and it will generally be seen) that they are able to behave effectively. We can all see and recognize and enjoy that kind of achievement, and feel real self-worth in such achievement. Importantly, by knowing what we are able to achieve, we are not setting ourselves up for surprise failure (... nor a broken heart).

One must have a reasonably accurate assessment of what one's abilities really are (and that is possible, when left unclouded by ego or vanity) -- stressing that it should be based on a rational assessment of those abilities. Otherwise, that can easily lead to over-confidence and serious failure.

Social creatures we are, but we are also islands. As islands, we can either chose to be an oasis of peace in a desert of torments, or we can be alone and tormented. What is certain is that no one is drawn to weaklings... nor to those who are incapable of making an important decisions, and to stand by them -- such as: promises, commitments, and covenants.

Self-confidence is a mirrored reflection of one's own assessment of self-worth. It plays a large part in determining happiness throughout life.