The purpose of the alienation is usually to gain or retain custody without the involvement of the other parent. The alienation usually extends to denigrations by that parent's family and friends as well.

According to published social statistics, in fully 70% of the cases identified, the mother was the parent who sought to end the family-oriented involvements of the father. Recent court statistics show that women filed 67% of the petitions pertaining to custodial matters - wherein, 42% based legal action upon allegations of behavioral issues (those of the father) - of which, 24% were subsequently shown to have been accusations that were fabricated by the mother to gain custody, placement, or funding (child support, alimony, or damages).

Children (as unwitting victims) intuitively appreciate that, by affirming that their choices were their own, they effectively assuage their mother's guilt (thereby protecting her from criticism). Such professions of independent thinking are supported by the mother who will often praise these children for being the kind of kids who have 'minds of their own' and are 'forthright' and brave enough to express their opinions overtly. Frequently, such mothers will exhort their children to tell them "the truth" regarding whether or not they really want to see their fathers. The child will usually appreciate that "the truth" is (to please the mother)… the profession that they 'hate' the father, and do not want to see him ever again. They thereby provide that answer - couched as "the truth" (which will protect them from their mother's anger if they were to state what they really wanted to do (which is to see their fathers). It is important for the reader to appreciate that after a period of 'programming', the child may not know what "the truth" is any more and come to believe that the father deserves the vilification being directed against him. The end point of the brainwashing process has then been achieved.

HOW COMMON IS IT?

Nearly every separated father had been the victim to some phase of the experience. There have been cases where children as young as two 'claimed' not to want to see their father again, and there have been cases where all of the children of a family 'decide' that they do not wish to visit their father.

The scenario arises to some degree in virtually every case where the father is attempting to get or extend contact with his offspring. And most appeals will include some aspects of PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME as being factors used to stop or disrupt access.

WHY IS IT SO COMMON?

Simple. It is a very effective legal device for getting custody. There are two reasons for this. First the legal system tends to provide more consideration of 'the child's wishes', and secondly the very existence of the various Social Services and Child Support agencies has separated the dual issues of court orders for support maintenance and custodial contact.

A mother who stops or disrupts contact (defined by a court order) is in contempt of court, and is subject to being fined or even jailed. However, there are virtually no cases of this actually happening - because the court will state, "It is of no benefit to the child for the mother to be punished.", but it does mean she may be repeatedly brought back to court for being obstructive.

[ ...As food for thought, ask yourself this: When was the last time you heard of a court making the statement, "It is of no benefit to the child for the father to be punished."? In July of 2001, a Wisconsin court threatened the father of 9 children (in arrears for child support) with 8 years in prison. -ed.]

To overcome repeat court hearings, the mother will state, "The child does not wish to see the father." Subsequently, a court appointed social worker or welfare officer then interviews the child and accurately reports that the child has 'confirmed' that he or she 'does not wish' to see the father. The child's (supposed) 'wishes' will then be taken into consideration and the court will order an end to the fathers contact. Is that justice?

Under such skewed conditions, the mother is often placed 'in the clear'. The social service worker will have reported the matter, and the court will respond according to the law. Never-the-less, the father will have lost contact (and probably for many years - until the child is old enough to become independent of the mother). In the majority of those cases, the child then seeks out and returns to the father.

There have been many interviews with grown adults who (as children) have been through this very experience. They make a common statement that they. "…did not know how to cope with the situation" - so they avoided the father, rather than hate him.

WHY DON'T SOCIAL SERVICE WORKERS RECOGNIZE THE SITUATION?

They usually do, but more often than not social service agencies have no operable policy on PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME, meaning that though recognized, there is no clear cut action to be taken. If the social service worker recommends family therapy - it is expensive and time consuming. Social service workers do not have the time, the experience, or resources to do what needs to be done.

They could easily interview the child (children) out of the vicinity of both parents, and better still, in the company of each parent separately. Though they are authorized to do this, they rarely choose to do so.

A common complaint of separated fathers - is that the social service worker's interviews are not carried out with the intent of getting to the facts, but merely to 'go through the motions'. As a point of fact, MOST Court Reports are drawn up with the intent of providing the 'result' that the social service worker 'chooses' rather than as information for the court to decide upon. Is that adequate, or even useful? (Note that such Court Reports are hastily written up - after perhaps a maximum of mere 1 to 3 hours of interviews with each parent, rarely the children - and that's not much when you consider that their guidelines are destined to affect the destiny of 3 or more person's lives - forever.)

There are two distinct aspects of PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME: medical and legal.

Medically, PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME is a form of emotional child abuse. Parents who have engaged in hostile separations typically suffer depression, anger, and commit aggressive acts. The expression of these intense feelings typically takes on the form of withdrawn love and the cessation of communication. The phenomenon often extends to the children via the custodial parent.

As a medical problem, it is closely related to 'false allegations of sexual abuse' frequently exploited to cut short a father's RIGHTS (to having contact with his children); and it is akin to the 'Stockholm Syndrome' which describes children as 'hostages' - afraid of the mother whom they 'obey' - as a means of survival. There are also aspects of 'False Memory Syndrome' whereby the child may be instilled with false (or falsified) memories of the father.

Legally, PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME is recognized as a behavioral pattern but it often goes under other labels, such as: 'coaching, prejudicing, rehearsing' and are synonyms of outright 'brainwashing'. Although recognized by the courts, it is rarely acted upon because, as a form of emotional abuse, it is very difficult to define and would require the involvement of psychologists or psychiatry.

The other forms of child abuse are: physical, sexual, and neglect - and those are easily identified by expert witnesses. Emotional abuse can only be registered as part of that list.

Some courts will act upon it, but do so by simply ignoring the mother's claims of 'the child's wishes' - by indicating that she is being obstructive. The more enlightened courts will order family therapy, and ensure that visitation rights are upheld.

Anyone claiming PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME should always look for family therapy as a way forward.

Although PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME is currently recognized, but not acted upon, it is quite literally 'a crime' to incite hatred on the basis of color, religion, or creed. Note, that the governments of most States have made 'stalking' a crime on the basis of 'emotional abuse'.

There is a documented case of a father who had child support maintenance suspended on the grounds that his daughter 'hated' him even though he had made every reasonable effort to form a relationship with her. Such an approach by the courts would prevent PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME being used as a loophole in the law.

OFFICIAL COMMENTS ON PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME

A spokeswoman for a Wisconsin state social service agency, stated: "Both social services and the court attorneys are aware of the fact that parents may seek to manipulate their children by encouraging them to make statements designed to lessen the chances of the absent parent being granted contact with the child. When a social worker suspects that such coaching or manipulation has taken place, he or she will take this into account when preparing the court report and ensure that it is brought to the courts attention".

A spokesman for the Wisconsin Department of Health said: "The potential for alienation of the children by feuding parents is a commonly recognized problem."

A spokeswoman from a (State sponsored) Community Mental Health and Counseling Service said, "With one parent gone, the child's subconscious fear is that they will be abandoned by the other, so they say whatever the parent who has primary placement wishes to hear", and "When children under twelve are forced to choose, they tend to align with the parent with whom they are already living."

Leading Child Psychologists assert, "Children who state that they do not wish to see the non-custodial parent happens far too frequently, usually as a result of the bitterness between the adult partners after the breakdown of their relationship".

WHAT IS THE BEST LEGAL APPROACH TO PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME?

If you are planning to hire a lawyer, be aware that there are now attorneys who specialize in this field. Identify one that works in this specialty area - rather than one who simply claims to know about it. Get advice from other separated fathers about this.

Be aware that Family Courts tend to be dominated by lady judges. With all due respect, experience and the hard statistics show that those women are less sympathetic to a father's case than judges in the higher courts. If possible, avoid the Family Court and go for a Circuit Court Judge's court. You can refuse to have a social service worker whom you feel is not reporting your case correctly - or who is not dealing with essential facts. Don't assume they will ask you the right questions. Write down the questions that you would like them to ask, and prepare your answers with care. When you meet up with the social service worker then have that information ready for them. If it is not included in your court report then question it. Similarly, make sure you know the date when you can expect to receive the report, as some social service worker won't bother to communicate that to you (or your attorney). It is essential that you question all errors and omissions at the earliest possible time. Notify the social service worker of those before your hearing is brought before the judge, and notify the court of the reply (or lack of one). Have a listing of the errors and omissions so that they can be made available at the court.

Some social service workers will accept and report PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME. You should keep a diary and copies of all communications between yourself, the mother of your children, and your children as evidence. Typical acts recognized as evidence:

a) The mother obstructs attempts for you to communicate with her or the children (in spite of affirmations that she is 'not stopping the children seeing you'.).

b) The children may suddenly start making excuses (for you to not see them). They may add that they do not want gifts from you. Gifts sent will not be acknowledged, or they may even be returned (sometimes rejected and signed 'on behalf' of the child).

c) Though the child 'supposedly' doesn't want to see you, the child will also suddenly stop wishing to see anyone connected to you. This will include close relatives, friends, etc. They may even stop talking to neighbors and anyone who might be in direct contact with you. The mother will also stop contacting anyone connected to you - in spite of having outwardly claimed to be involved in the child's interests and attitudes. All such occurrences should be recorded in a log or diary - as an indicator that the child is frightened (rather than hateful).

d) In all likelihood, the mother will pursue the strategy of 'obstructive-ness' - by going to the child's school, organizations, clubs, and other places where your children regularly visit, and converse with the other adults (or even the authorities), 'informing' them that you are not to contact your children there. She will probably impose her diet (food preferences), religious belief, cultural tastes, and moral standards.

e) You will find that various persons 'close' to the mother will cease communication with you.

In brief, the mother's strategy will be to totally isolate you from the children by gradually breaking every line of contact you might otherwise have with her or the children.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Your strategy has to be the opposite. Create every possible line of contact with your children, the mother, and anyone connected with them. There are no rules (and everyone's case is unique), but there are many common sense actions you can take well inside of the law. Make no mistakes. Dot every " i ", and cross every "T"…

1. Work on the assumption that your child might turn up at your door tomorrow. Ideally, they would want to find you happy and leading a full life. They will want to see you as the father they knew. Minors will not want to know of, nor be reminded of things like the Parental Alienation Syndrome or of conflicts you as an adult, have with the mother. Your first priority is to make sure you are not destroyed or undermined by the situation.

2. You will go through a period of grieving for your child. That is quite normal and natural It will be similar to someone who has lost a child through death. These troubles may well occupy all your waking moments and dreams. This will last until such time as you can 'let go' of your child. You can best do this by keeping yourself as fully occupied as possible. If you have contact with other children such as relatives, or can be involved in children's activities, that will help. Retain and develop your fathering skills.

3. Openly discuss problems with stable, good people who are willing to talk with you about them. You may be surprised to find how many other people have similar problems and have learned to cope. Doing that will relieve the inner tension. And avoid brooding over it. Regard the experience in ways similar to men separated from their families during wars. Think positively.

4. Try to play an active part in as a separated father. The worst feeling is one of helplessness. Doing something - anything, will give a feeling that you have some control over the situation.

5. Inform yourself. Be knowledgeable about your situation. Collect: articles, letters, etc. that deal with these problems. What initially may be seen as a confused situation, will soon be seen as a predictable pattern that will help you to assess your own situation. Having a plan will give you firm direction.

6. In spite of the fact that a mother, as a woman (and someone you probably trusted) was clearly the perpetrator of these varied problems, most women will be very sympathetic and supportive of your case. They will often be able to give you a clearer idea of why the mother of your child acts as she does. It is a great help to have women friends with whom you can discuss this.

7. Try to forge contacts with other separated fathers. Don't just go to a few 'brotherhood' meetings, nor assume that there are clear-cut answers. Each individual case will have some new insights. By looking at new directions, you will become aware of new attitudes in the courts, government, etc. Know that your case is important. So, make sure your case is known, discussed, and reported. Your comments are valuable. Write to papers, write to your State Senator and State Representative, write to other separated fathers.  Write to your children - let them know that they are LOVED by you!

There is no single response to that question. In some cases, it's done with intent by the mother to get rid of the father, while in other case the situation just gets out of hand and drifts to the point where PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME just becomes one more of many steps in the wrong direction.

A survey of separated fathers unveiled the following variety of reasons, where in many of the cases there were several different accounts (combined). What is clear, is that there are many reasons why a mother might want her children to hate their father. Some of these are listed below.

1. The mother wants to start a new life and wants the father out of the way.

2. She may be more successful than he is.

3. He is seen as an encumbrance.

4. The mother wants money/property from the father and uses the children as bargaining pawns.

5. The mother hates the father and uses the children as weapons.

6. The mother is possessive and wants all the children's love.

7. The mother is jealous of the love/gifts the father gives the child but not to her.

8. The mother cannot cope with her own life.

9. Contact with the father in any form is difficult for her.

10. It is commonly stated (by fathers) that the mother suffers from depression. Sometimes due to severe PMS (where quarrels flare up over minor incidents - and lead to greater hostility).

11. Disappointment. (She feels he is unworthy to be a father and doesn't deserve the children. Or, she feels unworthy of him.)

12. The mother is egged on by other women. (Typically, she joins a group of single mothers who also harbor feminist attitudes that are hostile to men.)

13. The mother uses access to control the children (if you don't behave then you can't see Daddy).

14. The mother can't compete with the father (intellectually or financially or through personality). The children may promote him at her expense, and typically demand more from her.

15. The children may be the only aspect of control the mother has - used it to boost her own esteem - rather than for the interests of the children. This is a 'power' motive more commonly observed in men.

16. The mother may still 'like' the father, but uses the children as a means of controlling him.

17. The mother may be punishing the father's 'new partner' indirectly - as the father may know that he could see the children if it wasn't for the new partner.

18. The mother may be independent and never wanted a man around anyway apart from fathering her children (entrapment). Or may have been a victim of male violence. Or she may have gained independence during the marriage and now wants to exploit it.

19. As is often quoted, the mother may see children as a means of getting into a house, obtaining money and other benefits. The father was always incidental in the matter (expendable).

20. Some women actually believe that men are not interested in their children. Others consider the father to be of no value to the children what-so-ever (a number of studies found that that was as high as 50% or greater).

21. The mother assumes that there is hostility (from the father) towards her, and that he is thus, behaves inappropriately in the presence of the children, so she 'protects' them by keeping him away from him.

22. The mother has (or has changed to) a different lifestyle when compared to the father's, and does not want the children to copy 'his' way of life.

23. The mother may have no family of her own (typically, foreign wives), whereas the father may have a family. The mother regards the child as 'her family'.

24. The mother may become emotionally dependent upon the child, and regard any affections the child has for the father as depriving her.

25. The mother simply regards the child as her property, and sees the father as laying claim on her 'possessions'.

26. The mother dislikes the fathers 'new partner', who she sees as a rival 'mother', so she prevents the child from seeing the father.

27. The mother's new partner is the one who is preventing contact because he wishes to be seen as the 'Daddy'.

28. She fears the children will leave her for him.

29. She wants to prove to her new partner that he is the only man in her life.

30. She may have come from a broken family, and not be able to sustain a relationship.

31. The father is a constant reminder of the failed relationship that she prefers to forget.

32. She may be starting a new involvement, or having difficulties with the existing one, and doesn't want the children to tell the father about her affairs.

33. She may have been sexually abused by other men, and harbors 'male' hate'.

If you know why the mother behaves as she does, then you will be in a much better position to deal with the situation. A mother who has another partner will want the father out of her life for the simple reason that it makes her life complicated to have him around. The child's needs become secondary. On the other hand, a mother who lives in a house owned by the father and relies on his 'goodwill' for extras (over and above child support), might be alienating the children as a means of getting the property or getting more money. In such a case the situation might be open to negotiation.

WHAT ARE THE FACTORS TO CONSIDER?

Objectively, the main aim (of the mother) is to hinder contact, while the main aim of the father is to obtain contact - there are a number of factors that can be assessed to give the father an idea of his chances.

1. The age of the children. (The older the better.)

2. The locality of the children. (The nearer the better.)

3. The number of children. (The more the better.)

4. The independence of the mother. (The less the better.)

5. The friends and relatives of the mother and father. (The more the better.)

6. The resources of the father. (The more the better.)

7. The mobility and availability of the father. (The greater the better.)

It is a mistake made by many fathers - to assume that the matter is in the hands of the court. Still, the decisions made there ARE the essential ones. Yet reality is that the court's decisions are only one aspect of the overall situation. The mother will have her own life to live, and she will have many of the same problems that most people generally do (probably more), so she will probably not want to add to those by devoting her life to being obstructive. She will only do it so long as she can 'get away with it' (without too much effort). The children also have their own lives to live and they will not want to give up the father just to please the mother. They may obey or reflect her wishes, but only so long as they have no choice. Experience has shown that in most cases, where the father has kept in contact with his children, he will see them again and again. The father's own situation may change. Consider that whatever seems to be an insurmountable problem today may seem solvable in a year's time.

HAVING A PLAN IS IMPORTANT

When a father first realizes that he is going to lose contact with his children - his feelings go from disbelief, through to despair, to anger, depression, confusion, and thereafter to a total sense of injustice. It is based on the assumption that 'everyone' knows how important it is for children to have the support of their father, and that he obviously loves them, and they love him.

Unfortunately, such notions are exceedingly naive.

The law is itself dreadfully confused. A court that refuses to send a single-mother to jail for preventing visitation would almost certainly send that same mother to jail for refusing to pay an accumulation of unpaid parking tickets. Such inconsistencies will be found throughout the law, and even when the law is clear, the record shows that its interpretation and application is more suited to the beliefs of the judiciary than the children (amazing, isn't it?).

Having a plan means looking at the situation logically rather than emotionally. You have to write out all the advantages and disadvantages about your role as the father, about the mother, and of the child.

The FATHER'S ADVANTAGES:

a) You are highly motivated (where there's a will there's a way).

b) You will be in the company of many other fathers (who can offer advice and support).

c) There is a growing recognition by the courts and society generally of the importance of the fathers role.

d) The situation is changing to your advantage as the children grow up (in almost every case known, the child wishes to have contact with the father).

a) You will miss out on those incomparable and irreplaceable 'childhood years'.

b) Other aspects of your life will suffer in numerous ways (due to your distress).

c) You will be unable to plan for the future - in ways that will include your child.

d) Much of your time, money, and resources, will be spent on the problem (without much to show for it).

a) She has the children and the law backing her (however just or unjust).

b) She is probably able to get legal aid (and other forms of financial support).

c) She will be in contact with numerous other single-mothers (who will support her actions).

a) The nature of PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME is itself the behavior of someone who is distressed, so she will not be a happy person.

b) She will know that the children will be mixing with other children who have fathers, and that her children will grow to be increasingly aware of that.

c) She will not be able to offer the experiences and support of a father. The children will have a higher than normal chance of suffering educationally, emotionally, and socially. She will have to compensate for this in some way at the expense of her own life.

d) She will know that when the children reach an age of independence they will almost certainly try to contact the father, and she may even lose them altogether. Many do

There are simply NO advantages for a child to have his or her parents separated, and if separated, not to have free access to both - but children get older, and with time, they are sure to question the mother's behavior (and the father's responses).

THE CHILDREN'S DISADVANTAGES:

The disadvantages are HUGE - it's the complete loss of a real family and all the support and experiences that having and living inside of a functional one represents - and children from fatherless homes experience a higher than average chance of suffering from many social problems, which may include repeating the cycle over again.

1. The first stage is to seek out direct contact with the mother and child. Can you meet, write, or phone. If you can, then each instance should include some aspect of continuity. Give your child pre-stamped self-addressed postcards or envelopes - to send back to you before your next meeting. If the child is old enough - provide them with a phone card. You can even get a 'family' phone card so your child can phone you from anywhere in the world. If the mother allows it, pay for books and magazines to be sent to your child so that they are reminded of you regularly. Give your child a couple of phone numbers of people they trust (persons whom they can contact if they simply want to speak to someone).

2. If you are not allowed to contact your child, ask friends and relatives to do so on your behalf. Ask them to send invitations and gifts (even if you have to pay for them). If the mother's friends and relatives have maintained contact with you, see if they will give you news of the ongoing situation. Try to retain good relations with them.

3. Apart from friends and relatives, the mother and child will have contacts at school, clubs, playgroups, and various local places where the mother and child go. There will be people who make contact with the mother and child and may be able to give you information about them. Remember, the mother's strategy is to block off all information to you. If you are aware that your child plays in the local baseball team (on Saturdays at the park) then this will give you some satisfaction from seeing your child, and by not having to swallow attempts at controlled that come from the mother.

4. Can you participate in your child's activities? If you are not actually banned from seeing your child, or from seeing your child only on certain occasions - then you might be able to be a school or club or church helper. Notwithstanding the fact that some mothers choose to interpret 'defined contact' as the maximum, in fact it is the minimum. You would not be breaking any court order were you to go to a school play or to a sports event on days outside of your visitation periods - providing that you went to the event - and NOT to have a one-to-one contact with your child. The same applies if you were to become a helper in your child's school (etc.).

5. You can create situations that will help - without meeting anyone directly connected to your child. Participation in local events will often enable you to be seen and become known to people who may also know the mother and child. If you can involve yourself in activities that get the attention of your child, or children who know your child then the chances are that it will get back to them. School and club outings, City Council sponsored events, charity shows, library exhibitions, and the like are all places that require participation. Being seen and appreciated can pay off in unexpected ways.

6. You can also become known by having letters published in local papers and forming support groups for fathers locally. If the mother knows you are presenting your case in a very public way (without crossing legal boundaries) then she will know that her attempts to impede your role negatively will reflect negatively upon her. Still, what she will want is for you to disappear. If you succeed in creating a high profile within her community, then obviously you are not going to disappear, and she will know that it is a problem best resolved by acting with more regard for the child (and eventually, perhaps more regard for you as an achiever).

7. Chance is a factor. It is quite common for separated fathers to meet their children by chance in local places. You can increase those 'chances' by being in the right place at the right time. It's not a fail-safe idea to pursue this line, so simply be aware of the risks.

8. Ultimately the long-term solutions will require better laws and an enlightened court system. Such will not come easily, but if it is to come at all, then the solutions will need every help available. Most fathers who find themselves in this situation quickly learn that the 'legal path' doesn't lead to all things positive all of the time. Some men have spent huge sums of money on legal fees without really getting results. Just imagine seeing that money redirected to 'advertising' our case in newspapers, or magazines, and bulk mail letters to public authorities. The results would surely be much more significant. Nevertheless, it is far easier to get (the majority) of fathers to spend several thousand dollars on lawyers fees than to get them to write to their State or Federal representatives to complain about the inadequacies of the laws governing family matters. One of the best boosts you can contract would be the knowledge that someone in high authority has read your letter AND given it due consideration. You can learn to write such letters by reading what others have written. Even if your letters don't get published, the papers or the officials to whom you write will give attention to similar correspondence because they know that the subject is becoming so highly controversial.

Taken as a whole, your plan is to do something right now - and then never give up.

If you can do something that provides direct contacts with your child, then do that. If you can do something that indirectly provides contact, then do that. If you can do something that keeps up your fathering skills, do that. If you can do something that promotes the cause for fathers in similar situations, then do that. If you can do none of these, then at least keep yourself busy so that you do not fall into depression - or into a state that leaves you open to the negatives of criticism for not having been a capable father - although you were given the chance to be one.

BEHAVIOR PATTERNS OF THE MOTHER

For mothers who have separated from the fathers of their children, the most common behavioral pattern is to demonstrate that 'she is in control'. She is likely to affirm that in a variety of ways ranging from ignoring you, to humiliating you. Paradoxically, she will be able to do that on the basis that you love your child dearly - so much that you will probably put up with her controls. If you didn't love your child - you would walk away, but she assumes you won't - thus, that will push her to 'control' you and situations as far as she can. Here are common examples. In most cases, mothers do not remove children with having established a clear-cut strategy first - it's usually an extension of the normal hostile reactions of going through the sequence of :

a) Overt arguing.

b) Veiled arguing.

c) Hostile silence.

d) Restricted communication.

e) No communication.

f) Hostile action.

g) Hostile non-action.

1. To insist that you come and go exactly at the times she stipulates. If you are late or early she will make you suffer for it in some way.

2. She will insist that you detail where you take the child and under what conditions. Whereas, she will not inform you of anything she does with the child.

3. She will make changes to arrangements you have with the child but not give you these changes until the last minute. If you complain that you will lose the contact time. If you have to change arrangements she will simple refuse to accept the changes and you will lose contact time.

4. She will deliberately offer the child alternative events on your days and then say the child has chosen the alternative event. She will make you choose to insist on your contact time or allow the child to do the other thing so that you will appear mean to stop the child.

5. She will duplicate gifts you give the child to undermine the value the child puts on it.

6. She will lose, hide, break, or deliberately be careless with things you give to your child.

7. She will deliberately misinterpret anything you do or say to the point where you will think twice about doing or saying anything.

8. She may ask for extra money for the child, and present the request in such a way that it obviously implies you will lose out on contact if you don't make the offer.

9. She will write to inform you of changes in contact times, but send the letter so that it cannot possibly reach you in time.

10. She will not keep you informed of the child's well being, education reports, activities or anything that you might expect as a parent.

11. If you do anything to help the child, the mother may thank you in a way she might thank a stranger doing a favor.

12. Should you buy the child clothes, she will criticize your taste or understanding of the child' needs.

13. She will criticize your home, friends, and life style. She will use any of these as an excuse to end contact.

14. She will tell the child that the court doesn't allow him or her to see the father more than the times stipulated within the 'court order' - when in fact, the court order only stipulated the minimum contact intervals.

15. She will allow the child to miss homework during the week so that it has to be done in your contact time, thus vying with anything else you might have arranged.

16. She will interpret your contact time as being the total amount of time available for all purposes. If your parents want to see their grandchild it will have to come out of your contact time. She will make no offers to provide that contact herself even though most mothers have more time with the children than the fathers (usually about 2 to 5 times more actual hours).

17. If she sees you in the street when she is with the child she will ignore you, effectively forcing the child to do the same.

18. If you participate in school or club events, and see your child there, she will tell your that you are not allowed to do it. She may well contact the school and inform them (incorrectly) that the court has banned you from such events.

19. If you have a 'new partner', she will insist that the new partner not be involved in contact times - as it 'distresses' the child.

20. If you send your child gifts on special occasions, they will get 'overlooked' on the day.

21. If you phone your child and she takes the phone, she will say the child is busy or out. If the child takes the phone, she will listen in or interrupt the child.

22. She will constantly remind you of your shortcomings as a father in front of the child. Any replies to this will be regarded as 'inappropriate in front of the child'.

All in all, the mother will look for any way of undermining your position in the knowledge that - if you retaliate in kind, she can arrange an end to your contact and use your retaliation as evidence of your attitude towards her (not the child). It will be her intent to use such provocative behavior to push your limits and act in a way that can be quoted against you.

KEEP A RECORD OF THESE INSTANCES

If she has engaged a lawyer, you might send such records to that legal professional - while asking that the mother be reminded of the fact that such behavior is disturbing to the child as well as behavior that provokes unnecessary discord. You may have to arrange to meet on 'neutral ground' so that the mother is poorly postured to do those things.

Although separated fathers endure an almost unbelievable variety of circumstances - cases of PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME - the most common is defined by ex-wives or mothers with a history of emotional illness. In those cases, those mothers need professional help first.

It seems that only a small percentage of mothers who indulge in PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME are clinically normal, stable, and independent. These would more typically be professional women who have another partner and who consciously exploit loopholes in the law to get rid of the father. Grandparents also lose contact with their grandchildren under these circumstances, and 'second wives' often suffer (quite intentionally) from the "ex", the mother's behavior towards the father - by using his children as weapons.

For fathers who are suffering, it is alarming to note that most of the studies of broken families are carried out by Women for Women. That is not to say they are carried out 'against' fathers, but simply, the fathers 'side' has not been given full consideration. That's more of an outcome of Child Support agency investigations, than of study of fatherhood in itself. It is for this reason that separated father has to rely upon the experiences of others to get the information needed for progress to be made.

SUMMARY

1. Fathers who can stay in contact with their children (somehow) will almost certainly gain or keep regular access to them.

2. Fathers who can retain some form of communication with the mother will probably regain (or keep) access.

3. Fathers who have some form of network: family, neighbors, friends, etc., who can keep in contact with the child or mother will probably regain (or keep) access.

4. Fathers who rely on the court system for help will be disappointed.

Item 4 (above) may seem to be an extreme statement, but look at just WHO is actually involved in your case…

1. Your lawyer. He will certainly have your best interests at heart, but it's still just another job for him whether he wins or loses - an income.

2. The Court Social worker. She (sometimes he) will be doing at least one or more cases per week. At most, she will only have about three hours to discuss your case, and probably two days to write it up. It is likely that her decisions will be based upon her personal biases and reactions to the parties involved - rather than on any substantiation of anything of genuine value. Court Reports are notorious for being full of mistakes, misinterpretations, and omissions. Also, even though social service workers may be well-intended, sympathetic, and knowledgeable - in the end, they carry no real 'weight' in court. The report may even be completely ignored by the court. This hardly motivates a social service worker to produce much more than an outline of your (child's) case. Apart from this, most social service workers take on the job as a second career. Many have very little experience or training in the area of child welfare. If they are women, then it is likely they have more experience at being mothers (at home) than being officers of the court - yet statistically, most of those who have chosen that career-line aren't even parents. This is often reflected in their assessments. It is a very common experience for fathers to have the social service worker tell him how well he interacts with his children, only to find out that the court report state the very opposite. A good social service worker can still be your best ally. If they 'like' you (and believe you have a good case), they will possibly give you better unbiased advice than anyone else. It is a pity that they have little power to help in a more practical way.

3. As for the Court Commissioners, Family Court Commissioners are predominantly career women, and are unlikely to have been mothers. Though well intended, they may well feel that what is good for the mother is good for the child. This is not malice on the part of those adjudicators (a typical Court Commissioner may well have been a legal assistant for twenty years prior to becoming a deciding force). They often have a background in legal technicalities, but no years of training that might allow the broad interpretations of the law to be applied. Many apply the law in the sense that a traffic cop applies the rules of the road (highway code). In all, you are better off if you can avoid having your case tried up in Family Court.

4. The Judge. At the County Court level, you will get a mixture of Judges. The worst are those who feel it is beneath them to deal with the 'litigant in person'. It is well known that certain Judges invariably turn down a father who presents his own case. Others are simply out of touch with what is going on, or 'use' the court for their own accomplishment. Because the court is what it is, one cannot act and say as one would in other circumstances. Just look through a book of aphorisms relating to Law - and Judges will show that they haven't changed all that much over the ages. Of course, a good Judge is one who can help. But a Judge's insistence that a mother obey a court order - is absolutely not a guarantee that she will.

5. The Mother's lawyer. He/she is your worst enemy. It is to his/her benefit to 'win'. Winning means, providing the means to take your child away from you, or at least keep the matter going for years. Remember, the mother's lawyer represents the mother (not your child).

6. The Child Psychiatrist. These people generally agree the problem is between the parents and not between the father and child. Most will advise mediation. Most mothers refuse (or go through the motions). Statistically, men are usually far more willing to 'patch things up' then are women. Most Judges will not insist on counseling between the parents (though in most States in the USA that's now a common approach and a more successful one). Most child Psychiatrists and Psychologists agree that the courts are a waste of time when it comes to resolving family problems. In all likelihood, you will too (by the time all is said and done).

IS THERE HOPE?

There's no question about it, 'parental alienation' is emotional child abuse.

Sadly, most of the plethora of social and legal service organizations have no clear definition (nor any guidelines) as to what 'emotional abuse' is. This means that proof of an 'emotionally abused child' is rarely, if ever, acted upon. It is only acted upon as an extension of: neglect, physical, or sexual abuse - once (successfully and accurately) investigated by social services. For the courts to accept 'emotional abuse' as evidence, would require calling in those social services. That's VERY expensive and VERY time consuming - so courts avoid it if at all possible - in spite of the evidence.

Also, the standard answer is this: 'It would not be in the child's best interests." (were the mother to be sent to jail for disobeying a court order). This of course (you as the reader aren't stupid), implies that it is in the child's best interest is to lose his or her father forever! Correct?

In spite of that obvious injustice, the criminal courts don't hesitate to send single-parent mothers off to jail for leaving their children at home alone. They do so on the basis of the child being 'emotionally abused', but in terms of NEGLECT.

IF YOU CANNOT RELY ON THE COURTS, WHAT DO YOU DO?

In practice you cannot avoid the courts totally, but they should be used as a last resort. If you consider your situation in terms of 'warfare', then there are three possible outcomes:

1. One side wins.

2. Neither side wins or can win, but remain hostile and fight a war of attrition.

3. Peace is negotiated.

The problem here is that if the mother has been given custody she has no self-vested reason to negotiate. But there are two cases where she might.

a. She wants something from you, such as: money, property, etc. This is common enough, but she may want something that is not obvious, and she is not prepared to tell you. It could simply be a change in attitude towards her. Refer to the list of 'Why mothers want to get rid of the father' - as it will offer some clues on the subject.

b. If it becomes too much of a problem not to negotiate.

That's where the courts can be useful. Sadly, the very nature of the system means that everything takes longer than it should. It will generally be inefficient - lost papers, adjourned hearings, someone sent in the wrong forms, an attorney arrives late, the court record called in sick for the day, etc. But take heart, that bumbling can be put to good use. If you have already 'lost' fair and normal contact with your children - you effectively have nothing more to lose, then you can continually make: new applications, query everything that comes along, send letters to her lawyer, demand ongoing information, etc. By keeping the issue going - the mother will be obliged to realize that you are not going to abandon your children (nor the fray). She may well feel that it is not worth the trouble, and eventually ease up on restrictions. Also remember that her life is not plain sailing. She will have plenty of her own real-life problems. She or the children might fall ill, and you might well be the only sensible choice (only person) who can help. If you make it clear in all you correspondence that you are open to all avenues and many solutions, then chance may well favor you.

THE LAST WORD

Hundreds of thousands of fathers lose their children every year. Those that want to keep up meaningful relationships with their children (most) will have to fight an uphill battle due to inbuilt biases in society and the legal system - lethargy caused family support systems, confusion and ill-defined policies by government authorities and the laws governing family matters.

Fortunately, that is offset by the fact that the medias are increasingly investing in conscientious reporting that does much to highlight the importance of the many problems facing broken families.

The social problems that spin-off from shattered families results in a real cost to government and to the social community, and indirectly, in effective proactive concern to solve those problems.

Increasingly, problems associated with fatherless families are a political hot-potato. Most of all, the use of high-speed communications among separated fathers who ally themselves with fatherhood groups (made up of both fathers and mothers separated from their children) is paying off.

The recognition of PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME officially would in and of itself effectively block a major loophole in the law, with subsequent benefits for children and the isolated parent.

That is the aim of this separated father. I will never give up!

Copyright ©2001 - Robert C. Kuhmann - All Rights Reserved - All Wrongs Avenged.